This article was sent to the Editor of the EDP and forwarded to Keith Skipper who has presented it here for lovers of the dialect everywhere to read and enjoy.
Lynn Advertiser, Wisbech constitutional Gazette, And Norfolk & Cambridgeshire Herald - December 1, 1894.
Eggs of fish E.O. gargins ha' got the sack, or thar will het. ("Nothin eggstenuate nor set down a horse in malice") The westries will be transferred to the councils (eggscept clasyasticle effairs). Then there'll be the school rooms used by the perish, an a lot o' other things done, wizz, overseers appinted, land acquired, lotments hired, money borrered, futpaths and roads repaired, an setra, an setra. The best on it is the meetins ha got to be held arter sicks o'clock pee, m., so that d'ye see we labourers can take a prommernant part in manidgment of our perookial bisness.
Now ever sin I was a buoy I ha' hankered arter a perish appintment, but the wust on it of late years I ha' had to fight agin my wife's horsetillity. She seem to me to be allas a-tryin to damp my perookial arder. Wot for I can't think. There's one thing if I was made a perish councillor I could dror up any perookial dockerment in strict non-conformity wi' law. Thas more'n many on em could dew. The differs twixt me and the lawers is I kerry all my legal frizzyolergy in my hid. The lawers git thars out o' books. O I forgot to say I might ha' been nomernated perish constable once, but I wooden het; I doon call that a honner at all. There's a lot on em a-holdin' that offus that can'y nayther reed nor rite, nor never could from their embryo upwards. ("Nothin eggstenuate nor set down a horse in malice") But as I was a-sayin my wife seem to me to abor the wery princypills that I am so much dewoted tew, whiz, the princypills of perookial pollytix. There's no gittin out on't, she's ded nuts agin my becoming a perish orficer. "I 'ont het, John," say she, rayther pashanetly to me arter we had beeb a-argerin the matter the tother night; " I 'ont het," and she repeted the eggspression 3 several times (thas a fack) "Why nut?" sez I. "Why, John baw," sez she (and I thought I see a sartin eggspression on her face as she say it) "John baw, you'll het a go to skule agin afore you kin think o mixin your self up in perish affairs." "Thats a-zackly wot I'm agoin to dew, Mary me dear," says I, in as gentle a tone of woice as I could onder the suckumstances command, "for we're agoin to hold our ann-yule local perookial perish council meetins in the school room. "In the skule room?" eggsclaims she, "Never! I 'ont het, John, so I tell ye. I shall woot agin it, Ire done the cleanin' o' that ere skule rume for the last 7 year, an d'ye think I'm going to ha' yew an all the rest on 'em a slouchen about the bilden wi' hobbledy butes, a-pullen the desks & things about, and creaton a stive an' an uproar? Taint so likely. The plairce worn't bilt fot, an' I ont het John, so I tell ye." She talked as if the bilden was her'n, which is proprosterous. Well we diden say no more to each other arter that till this mornin, when we continered the argerment, in the course o' which I happened to say that every man should take a part in the mal-aministration of his own affairs. "I doon know about that," sez she. "Gaw bless me, Mary," jackerlated I, (this time rayther wehemently, for I begun to feel werry wexed at har eggstreme purwersity). "Gaw bless me, yew muss knew that thas a fundy-mentle princypill of the British constertution." "A wot?" say she, "a funny wot? I doona wot you're talkin about. Isset about the funny prince I're heeard talk on, hew took metal pills to bild up his constertution? Hey?" and she actually bust out larfin; thas a fact. Now quarls are as common as dead leaves in ortum, bein' the chief incidents in the fammerly suckle of all grades of society, so I shant say anything more about wot took plairce betwixt us 2. To set 4th the fax would dew no good, and might serously purjudice my persition in the perookial whirl of pollytix.
O, there's one thing I forgot to pint out, and thas this. If you'll look at the Act (Air & Spottywood, 91/2) you'll find that in order tew becum qualerfied for the cheermanship of a perish or districk council or bawd of gargins you muss not have received any yewnian or perookial relief (widey claws 46). So you see thar don't mean to hev porpars presidin or ockerpyin the chair. That wuz a wery good thowt on the part of our parlourmentary legisletters, and no mistake. My stars though, if that wital portion of the a-voresaid claws had a-bin left out! In coorse o'time we might ha' seen a perookial porpar a-sittin in the chair, and conductin' a yewnian bord meetin'. Ire heerd talk of Ann Nommiley, but, bless me, she'd a-bin no-where wit!
One wud more, an I're done. I muss arnestly eggshort every wooter to dew the wery best he kin to git the best men to sarve on the board of gargins, twit, men who can "plum the bissmal depps of bumble dom," and gage the sinny-hossities of the fishal conshance. Buy the buy, though, thar say as how thass all a mith about wos abin goin' on at a sartin wuckhouse close by, I mean the innermannerties thar talk about, and all the rest on it; a fabercation. An now I muss conclude with 3 chairs 56 & 57 Wick c 73 ! for, despite all ob-stickels, and the nateral antippathy of my wife, I am farmly conwinced that a day nut wery far distant will see me the dewly elected chairman of the perookial council of this ere wery perish.
Yours respectively,
JOHN FITZROY JONES."